Dressing Your Child for the Weather

Even taking a walk or run outside with Junior requires additional thought and preparation, particularly in dressing him for the weather.  For the first several months of life, a baby’s body isn’t yet able to adequately adapt to cooler temperatures.  In fact, he feels better in temperatures that you find hot.  Consequently, he’ll be bothered when you find it comfortably refreshing.

My first child was born in Spring and it took time to grasp that she was underdressed – in a cotton sleeper – for a mid-morning Spring stroll.  What should have been a pleasant father/child session became an exercise in fret-management.  Unfortunately, I also underdressed her for the indoors as well until I adapted. 

So what are some guidelines in dressing Junior so that he’s warm enough?

  • As a rule-of-thumb, he should be wearing about one more layer of clothing that you are wearing.  In running shorts on a comfortable Spring/Fall day?  Keep him in clothing that covers his limbs and feet.  Wearing a sweatshirt or sweater in the house?  He needs likewise.  If it’s the height of Summer, shorts are fine but not during other seasons unless it’s justified.
  • If outside, dress him in layers so that you can remove or replace clothing as necessary.
  • He’ll tend to stay warmer in a chest carrier because of the proximity to your own body heat, but legs and arms still need to be covered.
  • Keep the head covered.  In colder weather, the bulk of a body’s heat loss is through the head; in warmer weather – colder, too – you want to provide protection from the sun.

He still can’t don ratty shorts and running shoes for a brisk Fall run with you, but give him time.  Until then, he’ll still like the run, but in something heavier.

 

I’ve Got the Baby…Now What?

So What Do I Do After the First Five Minutes?

Okay guys, you now have sole custody of the kid while your other half takes some time to run errands or kibbitz with her friends. "Damn," you think, "this will be really cool." But as she rolls out of the driveway, it dawns on you that this is going to be for hours.

What on God’s green earth am I going to do with this little kid for that long? This is my chance to show that I do have a clue so just tossing him in the crib or in front of the TV isn’t really an option here.

So what happens first? Babies and small children won’t need things done at precisely the exact moment, but they really do best if kept on a fairly predictable routine. Creating a simple thumbnail schedule is a place to start. Does Junior take naps, and is your timeframe with Junior in that nap period? If so, jot it onto the schedule and bear in mind that he’ll probably have to spend some quiet, "wind-down" time before being tucked in for a nap. Does Junior usually have a meal or snack in the time frame? If so, jot it onto the schedule and then determine what Junior’s going to eat and how long it might take to prepare. By the way, I have kids of both genders but I’m using"he" for simplicity sake.

And then what happens? Here are a few basic rules before getting on with the good stuff.

 

Rule #1 Remember that perhaps the most important thing that your child needs is interaction. He will have to learn to occupy himself at times, but his needs – cognitive, emotional and physical – and his ability to cope with the world are dramatically improved by regular interaction with you and Mom. Yes, love is absolutely a given here but let’s be honest, there are a lot of folks around who love their kids but don’t spend enough time with them.

This is your time, take advantage of it.

Rule #2 A little TV is okay, but only in limited doses and only certain programs. TV might be an option while you fix a snack/meal, or tend to a few quick chores; but it cannot and must not become a staple. Spending the afternoon in the woodshop while Junior watches the idiot box is not the right idea.

Rule #3 You have a little leeway if Junior isn’t crawling yet, but you are still going to have to pay attention to where he is and especially what is withing his reach. If he can reach it, it’s going in his mouth faster than a cop with a doughnut.

Rule #4 Relax. This can and should be fun; it does get hairier when you are responsible for more than one and they’re at different ages.

Okay, enough rules. Now what can I do with Junior? Try these for size.

Read to him. Even if he’s a baby, hearing the use of language will give him a leg up on his own verbal skills. When we lived in DC some years ago, the only way to get my regular dose of Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser was to read aloud to the baby while she lay next to me on the floor. If he’s older, cardboard page books are great: they are written for the youngest levels and he can work on his motor skills by helping to turn pages without the worry of tearing them.

Sing to him. In Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, a divorced and out-of-touch Tom Cruise lullabies his daughter – in a war zone, no less – with a lousy rendition of Little Deuce Coupe. It isn’t the melody and God knows not the singing, but the voice, language and rhythm that are important for the kid.

Get down on the floor with him. Play Peek-a-boo and lift him over your head. Wrestle. If he can sit up, spend time rolling a ball back and forth. Give him piggyback or bear rides. Build block towers and let him knock them down, but don’t get invested in creating masterpieces that you won’t allow to be destroyed. It might get monotonous, but it matters to him and believe it or not, this is part of your job as a parent. And not all jobs are exciting.

Go outside. If the weather isn’t bad, toss him into a backpack, stroller or wagon and go for a walk.

Make simple crafts. This doesn’t have to be rocket science and God knows I’m not Martha Stewart. Use your imagination. One neighbor spent an afternoon making more than a dozen light sabers out of rolled-up newspapers, water bottles and duct tape.  Make a space helmet from construction paper and a 24 pack soda case. Sometimes the simplest and goofiest looking stuff is the most memorable.

Pull out a deck of cards. You can use them to practice counting, teach him the difference between colors and shapes, or if he’s older, teach basic math skills by playing War. Smaller kids just get a kick out of 52 Pick-up.

Build a fort. If you have boxes, pull them out and let Junior climb in and through. Or just throw a blanket over the dining room/kitchen table to create a clubhouse.

Play "clayface". Let your kid mold your face into different shapes.

Teach cause-and-effect. If your child touches you, move something else. Touching a left cheek means a lifted left eyebrow or poking a lower lip rewards him with a wink. Have fun with it.

No matter what you do here, remember that the key is interaction. This benefits him immensely, as well as you with stronger bonds.

And one other note. If you have to leave the room for any period of time – regardless of the length – make sure that he is back in his crib or playpen. This requirement will diminish as he grows, but pay attention as an accident will happen in the blink of an eye. Trust me on that one.

Father’s Lesson #1:  Your Life is no longer your own (and ceased at the moment of conception)

Wrap your head around the fact that your life is now very different from what it was before.  The idea of thinking in terms of three is easier for your mate since she’s driven by in-born nesting instincts with which you are simply not equipped.

You probably noticed a change in your mate when she found out that she was pregnant.  Some of these changes are insidious and others more apparent.  In many instances, she changes her diet either because of nutrition or her stomach just can’t handle the food.  She might change exercise and health regimens and re-examine recreational activities.  If you missed these, you’ll understand when you find that she’s painted the nursery in bilious, glossy primary colors.

The pregnancy can be a delightful, insightful, confusing and stressful time for the expectant father.  Find a good source of information – What to Expect When You’re Expecting is the bible – and pay close attention to your mate.  Armin Brott’s The Expectant Father is another good source, written from the dad’s perspective.

While she will probably want to handle the more personal issues, take a different view and help create the structure within which she can build the nest.  Do you have a will and durable power of attorney?  Does she?  These mundane, boring boilerplate issues matter because you are now thinking for a third – and utterly helpless – person.  Who will care for your child?  Will they be responsible for financial management of the estate as well?  What are the appropriate financial needs if either of you, or both, die?  Is there sufficient insurance to provide for these contingencies?

Even after your new child arrives, there will be major differences.  There are huge domestic demands for caring for a baby, both in the child’s personal care as well as meeting the requirements of running the house.  The together time – romantic or otherwise – is probably going to suffer so don’t take it personally.  And earlier decisions that were previously simple must now account for the child.  Want to eat out?  Can we afford it and can we take Junior along?  If not, where can I find a dependable babysitter and can we afford her – or him?  Going to visit a friend’s home?  With Junior crawling/toddling, do we need to take a gate?  What other hazards are there?  You get the drift.

To get past this, you just have to be prepared to step up and take greater domestic responsibility.  It eases her stress level and strengthens your bonds in this new phase, which puts you in a better relationship for when the kids are a bit more self-sufficient.  The nature of the questions and concerns will change, but the idea of thinking for three, or more, will continue.

And if this bothers you, at least be glad that you and your mate aren’t Praying Mantises.

 

 

What do you do with a crying baby?

What Do You Do With a Crying Baby? 

Probably the greatest dread of a new Dad is – dah dah duh – the crying baby.  Remember that this is equally daunting to Mom at first, but she’s expected to know what to do about it and has plenty of resources available to her.  So here are some things that you should know about crying babies and what you can do for them.

So…Why is the Baby Crying? 

Understand first that a baby will pretty much cry about everything because that is the only way that they have to communicate with you.  Whatever the reason, they can’t tap you on the leg and say “Yo Dad”, so they’ll cry instead.  Think of it as a jarring, frustrating translation game.  Not all cries are necessarily the same and if you pay attention, you’ll start to recognize what each one means to her.

Until then, what do you do?  Start by developing a checklist of possible complaints to consider. 

1.       Hunger.  She wants fed and if she’s having a growth spurt, her typical schedule will be thrown off.  If she was just fed, then move to the next item on your checklist but if it’s been awhile, then consider this one.  What is an indicator that she’s hungry?  Gently rub the clean tip of your finger against her lower lip and see how she responds; if she opens her mouth and moves to latch onto it as though it’s a nipple, then it’s probably hunger.  If she doesn’t respond to that, then it’s time to move on.

2.      Diaper Change.  She’s telling you that she’s uncomfortable and wants a change.  If she’s dry and not messy, take a moment to check her bottom and groin.  Redness there – or on the penis if a boy – would indicate a developing rash that will cause discomfort.  This frequently happen if you’ve had to use more wipes because of more frequent diaper changes.  If this is the case, you can apply cream and then do follow-up cleanings with a warm, damp washcloth instead of wipes; you can even opt to just let her air out without a diaper.  Put a dry towel on the floor and let her rest there but as always, be careful of what’s within her reach.

3.      Teething.  This typically starts at about four months of age.  Again, use clean fingers to check her mouth for and gums for redness or evidence of erupting teeth.  If this is the situation, you can give her a cold teething ring or cold, wet washcloth to chew on.  You can even let her suck on your clean (do you think there’s a trend here?) finger for awhile if you’re desperate.

4.      Too Cold or Hot.  A decent rule of thumb is that she should have one more layer on her than you are wearing.  After adding more clothing, hold and comfort her until she settles.  This was my particular specialty, if I might add.

5.      Wants Held.  Some kids just want close body contact and just holding her close to your chest where she can hear your heartbeat – a la in utero – might do the trick.  You can’t spoil a child from holding her too much, but remember that babies with minimal head and neck control need to have them supported and stabilized.

6.      General Discomfort.  If everything else appears alright, take a quick look to see if anything else strikes you as odd.  Is the diaper fitted properly or is the sleeper too small and pinching toes?  Both have happened in my experience.

And What About This Dreaded Colic? 

A baby who cries a lot doesn’t necessarily have colic.  A “colicky” baby is one which cries for several hours each day, several days a week and the crying will generally happen at the same time – typically late afternoon or early evening.  It can start as early as four weeks of age and last until the child is about 16 weeks, which makes for the longest three months of your natural life.  There are multiple reasons for colic, including chronic gas and abdominal distension, and any one of these can wreak havoc.

You can adopt several methods to help your child with colic.

1.       Repetitive movement in a carrier close to your body.

2.      Some form of white noise like a vacuum cleaner or radio static.

3.      Gentle infant massage with baby oil.

4.      Gently – and carefully – holding her face down while you cradle her as though she were a football in a handoff. 

If these don’t help, consult your pediatrician or check any number of colic sources online.  Just remember that while it’s an interminable three months, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Dads and Nighttime Crying Babies 

A British magazine surveyed new parents and found that fully 52% of the dads were sleeping through the baby’s nighttime crying.  And yep, there is nothing better for a new Dad than a sleep-deprived, hormonally challenged new Mom.  Although it may be due to a natural inclination on the mother’s part to awaken to the crying, dads should split the effort here mutually.  If mom does hear the crying on your duty night, have her wake you so she can get some rest too.  Mom didn’t just decide to have a kid without telling you first.

You can ascribe night cries to hunger for the first very months, but after the baby is sleeping for five or more hours, any crying out that norm has to be considered for other causes.  Go back to your checklist and work from there before just plugging her up to the pump for a refill.  You want to avoid teaching her to sleep when she has a nipple in her mouth; after she stops nursing, you’ll get into the habit of giving her a bottle for sleep and in many cases, that bottle will have sugar-laden juice.  The cascade effect is that this is considered one of the reasons for the rise in childhood tooth decay.  You might sleep better now, but you will pay for it emotionally and financially down the road. 

A Dad’s Response to a Crying Baby 

I know that it can make you nuts since there were nights that I didn’t think that I would ever sleep again.  But remember first and foremost – crying doesn’t automatically mean you are doing anything wrong and continued crying doesn’t make you a bad father.  Now repeat that five times.  And then repeat it five more times.

While it’s important to work with the baby during this period, she’ll survive in her crib for 10 minutes while you leave the room for a sanity check.  Give yourself a schedule with which to work and stick to it provided that you a secure place in which to put her.  If you feel close to losing your cool outside of that schedule, put her in her spot and leave the room – just don’t lose your cool.  When you have it together, go back in.  If necessary, get someone else to come and relieve you or at least talk to you; on several occasions, I called my own father and had a long-distance sanity check.

Although she’s just a baby, she’s learning at a phenomenal rate.  Just as your learning her cues and the best responses, she’s learning yours as well.  Stick with it and you can become adept at handling the situation on your own, too.

Poison Control and Child Safety

Poison Control and Child Safety

You experience abject fear and relentless guilt.

The former grabs you when you realize that your kid has swallowed or drunk something potentially dangerous.  What is it?  When did this happen?  Could she die?

Then the latter hits.  How could I be such a god-forsaken, ignorant, lazy fool for letting this happen?

So what do I do?  Who do I call?  911?  Not necessarily, because the people that they’ll call are at a regional Poison Control Center.

So Just What Is Poison Control?

As a parent, your first introduction to them is probably through the bright green “Mr. Yuk” stickers that came from your pediatrician or maternity ward.  And if you’re paying attention – and fortunate – that will be your last

Created to provide toxicology information for medical emergencies, there are more than 60 Poison Control Centers in the country and each is responsible for a particular region.  Each is staffed by trained specialists, frequently nurses or pharmacists, and has access to a computerized database of natural and toxicological substances.  It is surprising that there is no automatic government funding for these Centers.  Each must obtain its individual funding separately through applications for federal and state grants, medical center affiliations and individual donations.

What You Need to Know About Poisons and Your Child

Trust me, a poisoning event – either through chemical or natural substances – can happen to your child.  It’s happened to my family twice in 13 years.

First, there is only one phone number for all the Centers and it isn’t 911.  Mark this:

                1-800-222-1222

Several years ago, the Centers adopted phone technology which reads the incoming area code and automatically routes the call to the appropriate Poison Control Center.  While all have the same toxicology information available, each has a better grasp of what local hospitals and resources are available in their particular region.

According to Dr. Allison Muller, Clinical Director of the Poison Control Center at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, her center alone averages 80,000 exposure calls annually for the region of Delaware and Eastern Pennsylvania.  In her experience at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, there are three key things for parents to understand.

First, do not underestimate the speed and resourcefulness of your small child.  A toddler is eminently able to reach high places and enter remote cabinets when he puts his mind to it.  Having all of the prescriptions and other medications in a separate cabinet simply isn’t sufficient.

Second, even a child-proof/resistant cap can be beaten and might only provide a few minutes of difficulty before your child is into it.  Knowing these facts, Dr. Muller keeps her home medicines stored in a locked toolbox.

Third, keep all liquids in their original marked containers and don’t store excess of refills in other containers.  Dr. Muller cited a call in which a toddler was unwittingly served dilute windshield washer fluid as a snack drink when it was stored in a juice bottle and inadvertently placed in the refrigerator.  The child fortunately survived.

So What Should You Expect When You Call Poison Control?

Most bottle warnings tell you to either contact your physician or Poison Control if the contents are ingested.  According to Dr. Muller, a Doctor of Pharmacy and toxicologist, the first call should be to the Poison Control Center as time is essential and you’re already there with the bottle or material.  If however, you believe that immediate medical attention is required, call 911.

You can expect such questions as your child’s age and condition at the moment, what was ingested, when it was ingested and how much was ingested.  Dr. Muller outlined a scenario for a child who drank from an adult formula Dimetapp bottle.

Q:  How much did she drink?

A:  I don’t know.

Q:  Okay, what’s the size of the bottle?  How much does it contain at purchase?

A:  The label says 4 ounces.

Q:  How much is in the bottle now?

A:  Umm, maybe a third?

Q:  Alright then, how much was in it to begin with?

A:  I don’t know.  I’m not sure.

Q:  I want you to add a teaspoon of water to the bottle – count the number that it takes – to bring the level back to where you thought it was.

A:  (After a pause) Five teaspoons.

With this, the specialist can estimate how much the child drank and outline whatever course of action is appropriate.  If you’re directed to a physician or hospital, be sure to take along the bottle for the staff to review.

Practical Home Tips for Kids and Poison Safety

1.       Keep all medications secured in a locked place.

2.       Keep all liquids in their original containers.

3.       Know what’s planted in your yard.

       a.       If you plant something, keep the identifying tag available in case it’s eaten.

       b.      If you move into a new home and have small children, identify what’s planted in your yard.  I removed a vine plant growing from under a corner bush after a neighbor identified it as Nightshade.

4.        Let  your kids only use paints marked as non-toxic and keep them separate from adult paints.  Keep model-kit paints (oil-based) and supplies in a separate box from other children’s art supplies.

5.       If you’re using cleaning supplies and are called away to the door or phone, take your child with you or gate them away from the supplies.  Never leave a child alone with cleaning supplies.

Watch, watch, watch.  And good luck.

Thanks to Dr. Allison Muller, Director of the Poison Control Center, Childrens’ Hospital of Philadelphia, for her assistance.

For further information, visit the Childrens’ Hospital of Philadelphia Poison Control site at www.poisoncontrol.chop.edu

Introducing your Child to Solid Food

Junior, this is food.  Food, this is Junior.  Knock yourself out, kid. 

Introducing your baby to solid foods involves more thought and planning than just tossing a diced Italian sub on the high chair.  It is a months-long process in which the child learns how to eat solid foods and you learn what foods he can’t tolerate.  Surprisingly, one of your best tools here is a pencil and notebook or calendar as you monitor what he eats and how he responds to it.  You are, in a sense, controlling the variables in something akin to a science project. 

Why Do I Have to Do This?

The body can be allergic to certain types of food and react in a number of unpleasant ways to them.  The reaction severity can range from mild skin rashes to diarrhea to breathing problems requiring a full-blown 911 call, although this last is a rare possibility.  Foods which most commonly cause allergic reactions are milk (lactose intolerance), peanuts, wheat products (gluten intolerance) and shellfish.  Physicians will advise you to hold off on those items until later.

You introduce one particular food at a time so that you can monitor the effect of each on your child and if there is a reaction, note that food as allergenic.

How Do I Know that He’s Ready for Solid Foods?

From birth, Junior will be taking either breast milk or formula and he will continue to do so even after even starting solid foods.  It is a weaning process which commences when:

1.        He doubles his body weight;

2.       He has sufficient neck control to hold his head steady;

3.       He has enough control of his tongue that he doesn’t just push food out of his mouth (extrusion). 

4.       He can sit upright either in a high-chair or on your lap;

5.       He wants the pretzel that you’re munching while you’re reading this.


This can occur anywhere from 4 to 6 months of age and when these happen, you can take it as a sign that he’s ready to go.

What Reactions Indicate a Food Allergy?

An allergic reaction to a particular food is typically noticeable within several seconds to several minutes, although it could occur within several hours afterwards.  Here are symptoms that might appear:

1.        Reddened or flushed skin, hives or itching;

2.       Diarrhea, upset stomach/vomiting;

3.       Sniffles/running nose (aka the Green Elevens), congestion, sneezing or difficulty breathing;

4.       Anaphylaxis, a condition in which the throat and airways start swelling and lead to breathing problems.  If you suspect anaphylaxis, immediately contact your physician or 911.

So How Do We Start?

There are some foods that physicians and dietitians advise you to stay away from until the child is older.  These are:

1.        Milk and dairy products until about one year of age;

2.       Eggs and egg products until about two years of age;

3.       Peanuts, other nuts, fish/shellfish and honey until about three years of age.

Ask yourself and your mate if there is any family history of food allergies and if so, share that with your physician.  She will recommend that these particular foods not be introduced until late in the hopes of keeping your child from developing sensitivity to that food.

When he has reached the solids threshold, start with a single helping of rice cereal one a day.  The rice cereal is free of gluten, a protein found in wheat and a potentially allergenic substance.  Mix the dry cereal, available in the grocery’s Baby Food section, with a small amount of formula, breast milk or warm water.  Then feed it with a rubber tipped spoon to protect your child’s gums.  Continue the feeding until he lets you know he’s done by turning his head away or pushing on the spoon.  One of my children was notable for a particular “get that crap out of my face” look.  You’ll increase the number of feedings – up to three – each day as the weeks continue until he is taking cereal with every feeding; once regular food is established, you can stop the cereal.

After several days of cereal, you can start with a highly strained vegetable.  Again, try it for about three to five days to see if there is any allergic reaction and if none is found, note it as okay and move onto another food.  After each new food has been tried and found to be okay, it can become one of the stable of acceptable foods for meals so that there are additional choices for meals.  If there is a problem, you can link it to the new food being tried.

There is no set way of determining what food to introduce when but you might want to consider starting with some green vegetables instead of fruits and sweet potato.  Some kids get hooked on the sweet flavor early and then snub the plainer foods.  Since your memory can suffer from the pace and confusion of caring for a baby, be sure to use the calendar or pad for brief notes so that you can keep things straight.

As the first year passes, you can start shifting from strained to solid foods.  You must cut the solid foods into very small pieces so that the child doesn’t choke as he eats.  His esophagus is very small and there is a choking hazard.  By the end of the first year, he can be off of breast milk/formula at meals as well as the rice cereal.  A typical lunch for my kids at this point consisted of finely diced meat (hot dog, for instance), grapes sliced into quarters and carrots microwaved for softness (but then cooled before serving).

Remember that even as he takes in more solid foods, he may still need breast milk or formula until he’s about one year of age.  The general format of a meal in the latter part of his first year would be a small amount of formula or breast milk, followed by cereal and topped off with the food.  As a practical note for Dads, check with the new Mom before you introduce a new type of solid food since it can be a memorable event.  I was frankly ticked off to return from a restroom to the restaurant table to find that eldest had had her first bite of solid food while I was away.

Even if science wasn’t your best subject, keeping things consistent is the key.  Remember that and you should have no problem.

I’d Like to Help Out

I’d like to help out more around the house while I’m here, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.

                                    –   Father of three who works night shift while wife works days

Throw me a frickin’ bone here, people!

                                    –    Doctor Evil

Women and society say that families need engaged fathers who actively participate in their family life.  But men are apparently caught in the trap of  trying to make that happen with few, if any, guides on how to how to pull it off. 

A recent study released by the Council on Contemporary Families finds that the amount of family-oriented work (housework/childcare) performed by men increased significantly over the past 40 years.  Men doubled their housework contribution from 15 to 30% – not where most wives want it, but a significant change – and tripled their time spent on actual childcare. 

Despite the positive results shown in the study, fathers are hamstrung by a public perception as a borderline idiot.  This is even demonstrated in the AP article about the study:

            “The average dad has gradually been getting better about picking himself up off the sofa and pitching in, according to a new report in which a psychologist suggests the payoff for doing more chores could be more sex.”

And nowhere in the AP article is sex even mentioned.

Granted, most guys don’t frequent the family section of your neighborhood bookstore, but there is a huge imbalance between resources available for mothers and those available for fathers.  A brief review of the Barnes/Noble magazine rack showed     magazines for mothers with none for fathers.  And a like inspection of the family section shows an imbalance as well.

The public image of the father has also taken a drastic hit in the preceding 30 years.   Starting with Archie Bunker, the typical media father is a loudmouthed, (c)rude, boor who doesn’t know how to relate to his family, even if he is a closet sentimentalist.  There is the occasional Reverend Camden from 7th Heaven, but he’s offset by Al Bundy, Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin.

If you want men to take an even greater role in their family’s life, try giving them the resources and public support that they need.  Please, throw them a frickin’ bone, huh?

Henry Kissinger, Father

I cut my earliest political and social teeth during the latter Vietnam and Watergate years.  Wrestling with those reliable old Russians – and arguing with the North Vietnamese – was Henry Kissinger.  He cut an amazingly long shadow for a guy the size of Golem and his occasional commentaries today are still run in major publications.

But I was taken aback recently to realize that Henry was secretly giving me lessons in disciplining future children during all those years.  Henry pursued diplomatic strategies that are actually usable with the kids, especially when they’re being particularly recalcitrant.  I now ask myself, what would Henry do?  Here are three of his favorites that I regularly employ.

Trust but verify.  This trite little phrase was used by Henry to highlight his plan for dealing with the Soviet Union about missile reduction.  It’s also effective in teaching little kids about truth-telling.

                Dad:  If you want to watch a little TV before bedtime, go brush your teeth.

                Junior:  Okay, Dad.

                Dad (After watching Junior run past in 10 seconds):  Did you brush like I asked?

                Junior (heading for the sofa):  Sure, yeah.

                Dad:  Really?  Are you sure?

                Junior:  Yeah, Dad.  Uh-huh.

                Dad:  So…okay, son.

Henry would follow through a bit more than Dad.

                Henry:  If you want to watch a little TV before bedtime, go brush your teeth.

                Junior:  Okay, Henry.

                Henry (after watching Junior run past in 10 seconds):  Did you brush as I requested?

                Junior (heading for the sofa):  Sure, yeah.

                Henry:  Really?  Are you zhure?

                Junior:  Yeah, Henry.  Uh-huh.

                Henry:  Zo…iff I zend in a team of Army inzhpectors, they vill find a vet brush und zhpit in ze zink?

J                unior:  Uh…lemme check.  Oh yeah, I forgot.  Be right back!

Follow this principle from an early stage and he’ll learn to be truthful with you – or at least improve his ability to create stage scenery.

Bomb them back to the negotiating table.  As they age, they’ll sometimes not want to  talk to you and will adopt various ruses to avoid it.  These include the thousand-yard stare, the phantom phone-ring, the oops, gotta study-big test!, or the patented DeNiro you talkin’ to me?  Don’t let the frustration thwart you, because you still have the leverage:  cash, car keys and control of the cell-phone’s family plan.

                Dad:  Honey, we need to talk about the upcoming deadline. 

                Honey:  (engages in the stare, wondering if Dad realizes that one nostril is too big).

                Dad:  Honey, about the deadline…

                Honey:  Wait a sec, Dad, I think the phone’s ringing.

                Dad:  Hey!  (chasing her upstairs)  The deadline is almost here!

                Honey:  I’m coming, I’m coming!  (Dad’s note:  Do you think that they actually hear her?)

Here’s how Henry would approach the situation.

                Henry:  Ve need to discuss your approaching deadline.

                Honey:  (engages in the stare, wondering if Henry realizes that his one nostril is twice as big as both of yours combined).

                Henry:  Iff you do not talk to me now, you vill loose your cellphone prifileges.

                Honey:  So about that deadline…

See how Henry sets the stage with no loving nickname?  He’s Henry and he means business, dammit!  He refuses the dodge and goes right to the bomb.  BOOM!  And she’s back to the table.

Mutual Assured Destruction

This tactic assumes that you have a track record of following through with your consequences.  Do you think that Henry would have a problem with his kid?  He had the Air Force plaster the Ho Chi Minh trail just to show the North Vietnamese negotiators that he preferred the Waterford goblets to the standard Paris hotel water glasses.  Likewise, did you ever hear of Harry Truman having a problem with his only child, Margaret?  He said he would use the A-bomb and he did.  Twice.  I bet Margaret’s behavior seriously improved after Nagasaki.

Likewise, use it sparingly and only for important situations. 

                Dad:  Son, this family shot really means something to your mom, so none of that “Rock-on” posing crap for the photo.  Okay?

                Son:  Aw, Da-a-d.  It’s only a picture, okay?

                Dad:  I’m serious.  Show some respect to your mother, alright?  It’s important to her.

                Son:  Jee-e-z, Dad.  Come on.  What do you think I am?

                Dad:  Alright, son.  Just remember…

                Photographer:  Everyone ready?  Here it comes…say “cheese”!

                Son:  Rawck on! (deedle-deedle-deedle).

                Dad:  UURRGHHHH!!!!  BILLY!!!!

Here’s how Henry would handle it with the “Mutual Assured Destruction” technique.

                Henry:  Villiam, your mother zinks zis photo iss important.  None of the typical shtuff, Ja?

                Son:  Aw, Henry.  It’s only a picture, okay?

                Henry:  I am fery zerious now.  Zhow zome reshpect to your mother, Ja?

                Son:  Jee-e-z, Henry.  Come on.  What do you think I am?

                Henry:  Sehr gute.  Just remember…I can permunently crazh your vebsite on Myzhpace.  Ja?

                Photographer:  Everyone ready?  Here it comes…say “cheese”!

                Son:  Cheese!

                Henry:  Zank you, Villie.

Despite having a lot of babes in his prime years – seriously – Henry didn’t have any babies.  And that’s a shame since he probably would’ve been an effective father.  I’m just glad that he wasn’t mine, Ja?

A First Year Timetable for Dads – What to Expect When You Don’t Know What to Expect

Frequent sleep deprivation and integrating a new child into your life can result in a first year that’s a complete blur.  If you’re like the rest of us, you’ll probably wonder what the first year’s milestones are and whether Junior is on track.  So here’s a brief list of the first year milestones that ought to help.
 
Remember that this is comprised of averages and that there is likely to be some differences between children.  For example, the occasional child is born with one or more teeth or your daughter may not choose to crawl until later.  One friend’s son was eating cut-up steak at two months.  Be patient and if you have questions, talk to your mate or contact your pediatrician.
 
You should also note that some of these milestones build upon one another.  For instance, holding the head up and sitting up without support all build upon the basic control of the neck muscles.  Happy reading and hang on tight!

Event Timeframe
1st stool (Meconium*) 1st day
1st Well-baby doctor visit 2nd day
2nd Well-baby doctor visit 4th day
Umbilical cord falls off 2 weeks
Well-baby checkup 1 month
1st time clearly smiling at you 1 month
Lift head up 1 month
Well-baby checkup 2 months
1st sex with new mom (theory) 3 months
1st tooth 3 months
Able to grasp/lift light objects 3 – 4 months
Well-baby checkup 4 months
Hold head up 4 months
Turn over 4 months
1st pulling up 4 months
Well-baby checkup 6 months
1st time clearly seeing you 6 months
Stops needing breast milk/formula 6 months
1st time solid foods introduced 6 months
1st time crawling 7 – 8 months
1st time walking 10 – 12 months
1st Dental visit 1 year
Well-baby checkup 1 year
* Meconium is not a gladiator or fuel for a Federation Starship. It is the term for the thick, tarry substance that constitutes your child’s first stool and is the remains of what was in his intestines/colon while he was in utero. Despite the rather nasty look and concept, it doesn’t smell – that comes later.